I Have Some Feelings as I Accompany My Mother's Dying Process

Well, who would have thought that I’d be writing this blog while my mother still hangs on to life? If you’d told me that we’d still be dealing with this, I certainly wouldn’t have believed it. Among other things, this experience has reminded (and continues to remind) me about how little I can control in life, particularly when we’re talking about anyone else’s life but mine. It also reminds me that my experiences only qualify me to have more compassion towards others, not to become more judgmental about them.

I have been through a wide range of emotions in the last week and a half, and it’s not done yet. Some of them I have expected: sadness, loss, some fear as I contemplate my own morality, and even a hint of gratitude that my mother is not suffering in her last days. But then there are the unexpected and uncomfortable feelings (and I include these because I suspect that all people who go through difficult or trying times will experience some feelings that they don’t want or that they believe are inappropriate to the situation.): frustration that the process is dragging out in a way that doesn’t seem useful for anyone, anger that I have to put aside important things in my own life to accommodate her, exhaustion and boredom at sitting around waiting for something to happen,; and all of this is sometimes covered over with a kind of “gallows humor.” Some things are incredibly funny in the face of death and mortality – go figure!

I know that there will be more feelings that will emerge after Mom dies, but I’m learning that I can’t predict with any certainty which emotions I will have, and how they will manifest in me. Healthy Liberal Christianity does not exclude any of these feelings. It simply gives me a framework out of which to understand, and if not understand, at least to embrace my emotional experiences. Sometimes people believe that if they have enough faith, they will be able to avoid some of those unexpected and uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes people try to be helpful to one another by telling them “Don’t feel that way.” What is intended as support often comes across as a judgment: “If you were really a person of faith, you wouldn’t feel like that!” That kind of judgment can be aimed at oneself as well.

My hope throughout is that I can be authentic and not discredit whatever is true on the inside. My further hope is that I can support the authentic experiences of others, too. Jesus said that he came so that we could have life, and have it abundantly. Being able to experience all of your feelings without guilt or shame is part of that abundance.

Wayne Gustafson
“Never place a period where God has placed a comma.” – Gracie Allen
The United Church___of Christ